Trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma, she said. I looked at her with a sigh of relief for at this moment someone was validating what I have been through. But, now what? How do I stop letting the past paralyze me forever? How do I fix me so that I can be truly happy in my own skin and stop sending signals to every person in the world to treat me like I am not worthy of love, not good enough, not pretty enough and not a strong woman? More importantly, why am I sending them? Why am I feeling them?
How many times can I put myself in the same situation expecting different results?
After 25 years of counseling, hundreds of books, crying, struggling, running, from relationships, to relationships, suicidal thoughts, blaming and playing victim has led me somewhere.
To where? I will tell you right now.
There have been many times in my life that I cried, “make it stop!”
I don’t think I really did want it to stop.
Why? Let me dig deep. These were my thoughts and maybe some still linger.
I am afraid to succeed. I am afraid of being judged for going out and doing something that is totally meaningful to me.
I am afraid to let go of the past because doing so would lead to happiness and I don’t know what that looks like. It may be uncomfortable. It is not what I am used to. I have been carrying this baggage for a long time, I am not sure I am ready to give it up.
I am afraid to look in the mirror and see that the person staring back is enough and is beautiful in her own way. I don’t even think it is possible because no one has ever told me I was pretty when I was growing up.
I don’t know where to begin.
So here is what I learned:
Fear is why I never got better. Fear is the thing that is at the root of all of my issues.
No matter where this conditioning came from, fear is what I have carried for years and it has led to the relationship where I was treated with disrespect so blatantly that I finally dropped to my knees and said it is now enough. I just wasn’t ready before. I wasn’t ready to stand up for me, ugly cry and move on. I don’t mean to the next guy, I mean move and shift, everything.
For some, “the man,” is a beer or food or some other thing we do to avoid feelings and living life in the now.
How did I stop handing over the power to dictate who I am and what my worth is?
It didn’t happen until I was ready. When the student is ready the teacher will appear.
That teacher can be so many things. It can be people in your life, a great book, situations, an actual teacher…blah, blah, blah.
This TEACHER was and is the one right inside of me. The one who has been silently watching me struggle, cry, make mistakes and stood strong holding space for me until I was really ready to do it.
To do what?
To heal. There comes a time when your bigger self, higher self will step forward and shine your light for just a second and you will know.
It doesn’t happen magically. Here is how it happens.
I changed my thoughts. Knowing I have the power over them. Yeah talk to me when I am in the deepest depression and I will tell you to go F yourself. During PMS this is hard too. But reading Eckhart Tolle’s thoughts on this help. I noticed the thoughts that come up and the feelings associated and I didn’t judge them. I let them come up and I stayed with the feeling until it passes. This is not easy sometimes but as I got used to it, the feelings left quicker and quicker. I love and I love deep so a lot of my thoughts have feelings of pain for loving so deeply. That is ok. I am amazing for loving so deeply. That is a good thing. I stay with this practice every single day.
I even changed my thoughts about my job. This was another hard thing for me. Soon enough I was smiling and laughing at work and enjoying what I do. I found a way to bring my love for all to the work I do at my corporate job.
I moved my body every day. I worked out at the gym and lifted weights and watched my body change. Pretty soon this girl who hated to look in the mirror was lifting dumbbells right in front of the mirror and gasping at the way the body can respond to my workouts. I did yoga with my classes and felt my body stretching and twisting and I was so grateful to have a healthy body.
I ate clean.
Here is what happened:
I felt better. What? Yeah I felt better. I slept better. My body feels good and my thoughts started to automatically think positive almost all day. I started to realize people were smiling around me. I felt strong. Let me say that again. I FELT STRONG. STRONG IN MY BODY AND MY MIND.
I no longer wonder why the man did not love me. I will be honest, when I think about how I was treated I imagine punching him in the face with my new muscles. Haha. Come on we all have thoughts of getting even. As long as we can laugh, they are ok. I send huge amounts of love to him when thoughts of him come up and I thank him for being my last teacher about how I want to be treated. I am excited for people to come into my life who enjoy my company and spend my time grateful for my friends and family.
New people started to enter my life. I spend time with new and old friends who are loving and kind and funny as hell.
In a nutshell: I AM FREE. AND it is a blessing.
My Note to Self:
The opposite of fear is LOVE. If you want to let go of fear than welcome all the love in the world! You have an abundance of it. Your higher self has loved you so much that she was the witness as you lived your life till now and did not magically make anything different. But when you were ready and you looked up and stopped looking back, your higher Self stepped in and assisted you to carry through.
You allowed healing to happen. You dug deep to find the root cause and then felt the feelings you have pushed away for 35 years. You cried and now……
But He told me I wasn’t pretty….I am beautiful in my own way and if I am not for you then fuck off.
He told me I am not smart…..I am as smart as I need to be.
He did not care about me or what I needed in life……I know what I need and will listen to what is in my heart and will go and do all the things that make me happy.
He would not pay for me to eat….I take care of myself and can pay for my food any time I am hungry.
I am grateful that I know who I am and what I am worth.
We are all so beautiful and loving and kind. There is good in all of us.
So what now? Share it with the world. (or Queen Creek to start)
I did do something that meant something to me. I put myself out there and opened a yoga studio.
I created a place where you can go to be yourself and never, ever be judged and you can practice changing your thoughts and receive all the love we have to give. I have hired some of the most authentic teachers there are who are willing to share their lives and practices with you. We will hold space for you as you allow the feelings to rise up and let them hang out there in order to let them go for good. We are here to celebrate you every day.